I've been silent.
Two months ago I returned from a three month silent meditation retreat. I tweeted a bit about it but I needed some time to integrate my experience before I began to write about it.
"How was it?" is the first thing everyone asks. The retreat was everything I expected it would be and surprisingly more. I highly recommend it! There are a few adjectives which you would expect to hear… profound, illuminating, challenging, insightful, etc. What about crazy, comfortable, uncomfortable, boring, fun, weird, typical, difficult, disappointing, encouraging, depressing, inspiring? Yup. All those apply too and others that come to me when I reflect on what I experienced during 3 months of one on one with my own mind.
I kept a journal. It started off with typical reflections on mediation experiences then slowly degraded into outright complaining and gossip. The range of journal entries reflected the range of what my mind projected onto my surroundings: bliss, misery, crazy, annoying, sweet, sour, cold, hot, resentment, jealousy, joy, love, appreciation.
Retreat is like athletic training camp for the mind. Your teachers are your coaches, your fellow retreaters are your teammates, your cushion is your equipment, and your mind is your playing field. You have personal goals but can't quite escape a sense of competition. Group retreat is like gym or yoga class, the camaraderie promotes a collective discipline to show up each time on time and sit quietly still.
Silence was the easy part. Sitting was challenging but I conquered it. Concentrating was impossible and I finally gave up. Dorm snorers and sharing a tiny bathroom with 12 women was hell. Next time, my own room or solitary retreat! Yet, I would miss the bonding with dorm mates if I was isolated in my own room and I wonder if I would be as disciplined in solitary. No matter, I can count on the guru to present whatever it is I need to learn.
How did I do? I was a complete failure! At least that's how I felt for a good chunk of the retreat. I was perpetually judging my retreat mates, my dorm mates, the food, the weather, the bathroom smell, my lack of concentration, the noises people made in the meditation room, and so on and so forth. We were supposed to regard each other and the environment as completely pure, as ideal conditions and inspiring companions, but I couldn't seem to shed my spoiled rude New Yorker!
Yet, somehow, this spoiled rude New Yorker came away with a deep understanding of concentration and my mind's habits, and discovered a deep faith and guru devotion. So, not too bad!
Last December I had quit my amazing high paid job and moved
out of my amazing Upper West Side apartment. I had lost my mind to find
my heart.
Instead of trying to capture the essence of my experience which would likely come off as cheesy and contrived, I will focus on the hot topics that I've commonly shared with friends and sangha. Hopefully, some of the profound will ooze out along with the gossip and complaining!
Stay tuned for my series of "Retreat Notes" posts.
