I'm tired of self improvement. Always trying to be more and better. No new improved me this year. This is where I am: I'm fine they way I am.
Every new direction or insight always meets with someone ready to burst my bubble. Every philosophy, every religion, every theory, every practice, every hunch, has it's naysayers. "That is not the right way." "Our way is better." "You are not doing it right." "Only we can give you the correct path." "Have faith." "Don't have faith." "Search." "Don't Search." "Pray." "Don't pray." "Sit." "Don't sit." "Sing." "Don't sing." "Do this." "Don't do this." "Do that." "Don't do that."
I'm sick of it.
I don't know why I am here but I know how I got here. Finally, that has to be enough.
No one has THE answer. Perhaps, there is no answer. Either way, I'm going to stop looking for it. I'm trying to accept what is. That is not easy. What is appears to be imperfect. I'm told it is perfect. I briefly saw it as perfect too but that moment has passed and faded. That moment may have been a decoy, a trick, a ruse, a diversion...a haha not aha moment, who knows?
That's right, who knows? Some men who lived thousands of years ago and didn't write it down? And now, thousands of story tellers, agendas and translations later we think we know what they meant if they even existed in the first place? On top of that, we bicker and fight and kill each over it? I ask again, who knows?
I hang on to some bit of faith (right or wrong) that things are they way they are meant to be. I don't like that but anything else is just beating my head against the wall and I have a headache.
So, I'm a meaningful and purposeful spec of sand on a massive beach that someone is walking on. Ok, so what. I don't care who is walking on me, where the beach is or how many other specs of sand there are. I feel the others specs of sand around me pushing and shoving and the rolls of waves bashing us around over and over. That is all I know.
::looking up:: Hope you enjoy your damn beach!
There is an analogy that we are travelers, that this life is just a hotel stop on a long endless journey for the sake of the journey. Well, I'm tired of traveling. Call me lazy, I don't care. I might get bored, so what. Someone will kick me out of this hotel eventually.
Happy random-day-selected-as-the-beginning-of-a-new-calendar year!
(BTW Why didn't they pick a random day in a warmer time of year, like spring! Now that would makes sense!)