Dharma Dreams: A Pure Land

I had somewhere to go.  I crossed the street, walked through the parking lot and into the park.

It was the most beautiful park I had ever seen.  The trees glistened like in those old master Dutch paintings.  There was a sense a profound peace that permeated everything I saw, the air and myself.  It smothered the tiny insecurity in me that said I wasn't supposed to be there.

A large group of people stood alongside the field of grass.  Every kind of person you could imagine, young, old, thin, fat, royal dress, tattered shards, black, white, purple. Ok, no purple but you get the idea.

A tall person welcomed me and they all turned to look at me.  I think I interrupted something but I was too overwhelmed by the profound peace that I figured it was okay, it had to be okay.  Any sense of self consciousness, such as embarrassment, seemed utterly useless and inconsequential in that place.

That place "out beyond right and wrong" (Rumi).

All the people moved (more like floated) to the other side of the field.  I wasn't supposed to be there but I couldn't move.

In the distance, I saw three small white horses with long flowing hair.  I recognized them as the Father, Christ and Holy Spirit.  Yes, I recognized them.  I can't tell you how I recognized them as the divine Christian trinity, I just did.  Though this dream was pre-Dharma days, I'm not sure what other divinity I would ascribe to the beings I recognized.  In that place, labels did not seem all that important.  What was important was their importance.

I felt a reverence but not one of awe, more of as-a-matter-of-fact, like it was normal to see them there.  I wanted to be respectful but I didn't know what to do.  I hoped that they would approach and they did.  They did that kind of float thing across the field in unison.  I knew their appearance was not intrinsic to their nature, they did not have a density of being but simply appeared in a manner as to be recognized.

The three of them approached so close I could reach out and touch them but I dared not.  I wanted to engage, to speak, to ask a question but I dared not.  I was not afraid but simply at a loss for what to do. I only wondered if their flowing hair was as soft as it appeared.

I know. I totally blew it.  In the presence of the divinity, I turn deer-in-headlights, "ooh, how pretty!" Knock me upside the head next time you see me, please!

Anyhow, just as Christ's hair barely brushed my hand, beyond soft is the only way to describe it, I heard my washing machine buzzer go off.  I immediately turned and joyfully ran off to finish my laundry knowing that place would always be there and I could return whenever I wanted!

Then I woke up.

Use a big sledge hammer.

All I want for Christmas is some emptiness

It's Sunday afternoon and I find myself sitting in a Ben & Jerry's sucking down a Chocolate Therapy shake looking out the window at all the people rushing about and I start crying.


I've finished all the gift shopping, I'm leisurely doing errands and stop to treat myself guilt free and I get all teary eyed. Am I PMS'ing? Am I crazy?

Oh, that's right, I'm a woman. These things happen. 

Complicating gender induced emotional turmoil is that I'm an empath. At times, I pick up on the crowd or a person and a wave of sadness, loss, anger, etc. leads me to tears. I wish I could identify the culprit, raise a fist and yell, "Hey you! Keep your emotions to yourself, will ya!"

It usually happens in a reflective moment, when I'm trying to be in the moment and not caught up in my own thoughts. Not that my own thoughts don't cause me to tear up, they can, but I can usually tell when an emotion is not my own because it doesn't make any logical sense to have arisen in that moment, like when I'm savoring the chocolaty decadence of thick milk shake.

Alright guys. I can hear you laughing...women's emotions don't make any logical sense in ANY moment! Yeah, yeah...go turn on the football and watch some "logical" anger issues arise that make perfect sense.
[rolling eyes] 


Yes, sometimes I empath some nice emotions, like love or joy or amusement. I'll feel warmth in my chest or feel like smiling for no apparent reason (see my Smiling post and you'll understand why it is a strange behavior for me). I feel grateful for these particular waves and send out a thank you to the universe and a wish that all beings can feel this way all of the time.

Is that the right thing to do? Is there a right thing to do?

Does it really matter where the emotions are coming from? I just have to deal with them no matter the source.


So, I'm trying to enjoy my Chocolate Therapy shake [insert professional therapy joke here] and the more ways I try to deal with the latest wave of emotional turmoil, the worse it gets. Trying to feel compassion, appreciation or anything mindful just causes more tears to flow.

I know that if I can overcome the self-consciousness of crying in public and steal a meditative moment to reflect on emptiness, I can find a moment of peace. I try to remember that all things, including emotions, are an appearance to mind and that they lack inherent existence. True peace is the absence of all conventional reality.

Who am I kidding? I can barely grasp emptiness on the cushion much less sitting in a Ben & Jerry's having a sugar rush.  ;-)

Something easier that helps shut it down is to stop being mindful and consume my mind with some mundane to do list or political resentment. In other words, turning off the compassion switch and becoming self-absorbed...

...Oh, so that's why we do that.
:-\