I'm tired of self improvement. Always trying to be more and better. No new improved me this year. This is where I am: I'm fine they way I am.
Every new direction or insight always meets with someone ready to burst my bubble. Every philosophy, every religion, every theory, every practice, every hunch, has it's naysayers. "That is not the right way." "Our way is better." "You are not doing it right." "Only we can give you the correct path." "Have faith." "Don't have faith." "Search." "Don't Search." "Pray." "Don't pray." "Sit." "Don't sit." "Sing." "Don't sing." "Do this." "Don't do this." "Do that." "Don't do that."
I'm sick of it.
I don't know why I am here but I know how I got here. Finally, that has to be enough.
No one has THE answer. Perhaps, there is no answer. Either way, I'm going to stop looking for it. I'm trying to accept what is. That is not easy. What is appears to be imperfect. I'm told it is perfect. I briefly saw it as perfect too but that moment has passed and faded. That moment may have been a decoy, a trick, a ruse, a diversion...a haha not aha moment, who knows?
That's right, who knows? Some men who lived thousands of years ago and didn't write it down? And now, thousands of story tellers, agendas and translations later we think we know what they meant if they even existed in the first place? On top of that, we bicker and fight and kill each over it? I ask again, who knows?
I hang on to some bit of faith (right or wrong) that things are they way they are meant to be. I don't like that but anything else is just beating my head against the wall and I have a headache.
So, I'm a meaningful and purposeful spec of sand on a massive beach that someone is walking on. Ok, so what. I don't care who is walking on me, where the beach is or how many other specs of sand there are. I feel the others specs of sand around me pushing and shoving and the rolls of waves bashing us around over and over. That is all I know.
::looking up:: Hope you enjoy your damn beach!
There is an analogy that we are travelers, that this life is just a hotel stop on a long endless journey for the sake of the journey. Well, I'm tired of traveling. Call me lazy, I don't care. I might get bored, so what. Someone will kick me out of this hotel eventually.
Happy random-day-selected-as-the-beginning-of-a-new-calendar year!
(BTW Why didn't they pick a random day in a warmer time of year, like spring! Now that would makes sense!)
Showing posts with label dharma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dharma. Show all posts
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
All I want for Christmas is some emptiness
It's Sunday afternoon and I find myself sitting in a Ben & Jerry's sucking down a Chocolate Therapy shake looking out the window at all the people rushing about and I start crying.
I've finished all the gift shopping, I'm leisurely doing errands and stop to treat myself guilt free and I get all teary eyed. Am I PMS'ing? Am I crazy?
Oh, that's right, I'm a woman. These things happen.
Complicating gender induced emotional turmoil is that I'm an empath. At times, I pick up on the crowd or a person and a wave of sadness, loss, anger, etc. leads me to tears. I wish I could identify the culprit, raise a fist and yell, "Hey you! Keep your emotions to yourself, will ya!"
It usually happens in a reflective moment, when I'm trying to be in the moment and not caught up in my own thoughts. Not that my own thoughts don't cause me to tear up, they can, but I can usually tell when an emotion is not my own because it doesn't make any logical sense to have arisen in that moment, like when I'm savoring the chocolaty decadence of thick milk shake.
Alright guys. I can hear you laughing...women's emotions don't make any logical sense in ANY moment! Yeah, yeah...go turn on the football and watch some "logical" anger issues arise that make perfect sense.
[rolling eyes]
Yes, sometimes I empath some nice emotions, like love or joy or amusement. I'll feel warmth in my chest or feel like smiling for no apparent reason (see my Smiling post and you'll understand why it is a strange behavior for me). I feel grateful for these particular waves and send out a thank you to the universe and a wish that all beings can feel this way all of the time.
Is that the right thing to do? Is there a right thing to do?
Does it really matter where the emotions are coming from? I just have to deal with them no matter the source.
So, I'm trying to enjoy my Chocolate Therapy shake [insert professional therapy joke here] and the more ways I try to deal with the latest wave of emotional turmoil, the worse it gets. Trying to feel compassion, appreciation or anything mindful just causes more tears to flow.
I know that if I can overcome the self-consciousness of crying in public and steal a meditative moment to reflect on emptiness, I can find a moment of peace. I try to remember that all things, including emotions, are an appearance to mind and that they lack inherent existence. True peace is the absence of all conventional reality.
Who am I kidding? I can barely grasp emptiness on the cushion much less sitting in a Ben & Jerry's having a sugar rush. ;-)
Something easier that helps shut it down is to stop being mindful and consume my mind with some mundane to do list or political resentment. In other words, turning off the compassion switch and becoming self-absorbed...
...Oh, so that's why we do that.
:-\
I've finished all the gift shopping, I'm leisurely doing errands and stop to treat myself guilt free and I get all teary eyed. Am I PMS'ing? Am I crazy?
Oh, that's right, I'm a woman. These things happen.
Complicating gender induced emotional turmoil is that I'm an empath. At times, I pick up on the crowd or a person and a wave of sadness, loss, anger, etc. leads me to tears. I wish I could identify the culprit, raise a fist and yell, "Hey you! Keep your emotions to yourself, will ya!"
It usually happens in a reflective moment, when I'm trying to be in the moment and not caught up in my own thoughts. Not that my own thoughts don't cause me to tear up, they can, but I can usually tell when an emotion is not my own because it doesn't make any logical sense to have arisen in that moment, like when I'm savoring the chocolaty decadence of thick milk shake.
Alright guys. I can hear you laughing...women's emotions don't make any logical sense in ANY moment! Yeah, yeah...go turn on the football and watch some "logical" anger issues arise that make perfect sense.
[rolling eyes]
Yes, sometimes I empath some nice emotions, like love or joy or amusement. I'll feel warmth in my chest or feel like smiling for no apparent reason (see my Smiling post and you'll understand why it is a strange behavior for me). I feel grateful for these particular waves and send out a thank you to the universe and a wish that all beings can feel this way all of the time.
Is that the right thing to do? Is there a right thing to do?
Does it really matter where the emotions are coming from? I just have to deal with them no matter the source.
So, I'm trying to enjoy my Chocolate Therapy shake [insert professional therapy joke here] and the more ways I try to deal with the latest wave of emotional turmoil, the worse it gets. Trying to feel compassion, appreciation or anything mindful just causes more tears to flow.
I know that if I can overcome the self-consciousness of crying in public and steal a meditative moment to reflect on emptiness, I can find a moment of peace. I try to remember that all things, including emotions, are an appearance to mind and that they lack inherent existence. True peace is the absence of all conventional reality.
Who am I kidding? I can barely grasp emptiness on the cushion much less sitting in a Ben & Jerry's having a sugar rush. ;-)
Something easier that helps shut it down is to stop being mindful and consume my mind with some mundane to do list or political resentment. In other words, turning off the compassion switch and becoming self-absorbed...
...Oh, so that's why we do that.
:-\
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The Yoga Perv
A clairvoyant once told me that sometimes when a 'god' or 'goddess' is amongst 'ordinary' folks, sometimes those 'ordinary' folks don't know how to behave properly in the presence of a god/goddess and they may pay homage or tribute in a way that is perceived as inappropriate.
That's a very enlightened way of contextualizing a flasher.
I was in a partner yoga class with a stranger as my partner. During a face to face cross legged position, I noticed that his boner was seeping semen through his lycra shorts.
No joke. No mistaking the occurrence.
My body gave me an immediate signal to exit stage left with an intense leg cramp. Note to self: pamper this temple in gratitude.
Apparently, someone reported it after class because they had seen it and was concerned for me. How kind of her. Validation.
I too reported it, but later, after a walk in the park and a freak out session in the privacy of my own home.
Why did I not want to embarrass the hell out of the perv during class? Would that not have been lady like? Did I really not want to disturb the rest of class? Would that have secured the wrath of a potentially violent perv? I played it safe or smart? Somehow, I doubt that a yoga block to the face would have left much of an impression on him.
Nevertheless, I don't regret my classy composure in contrast to his "relax, it's tantric, it's supposed to be pleasurable" response to the unmistakable "ew!" in my expression.
How was I supposed to react? Like a good girl - get upset but not too upset? Like a good victim - feel ashamed, ask 'why me?' and get angry as hell? Like a good Buddhist - oh, it's my karma, oh well?
How about all of the above because all of the above are all me and all are valid, equally. Call it equanimity of emotional response. Just like he is perv, a sad misled soul, a loser, a tantric practitioner, a future Buddha, my mother/enemy/lover in a past and future life. He is all of those things and I can feel all of those things. It is my potential to experience all possibilities, so I feel all possibilities.
It's my party, I can cry if I want to.
As I stood in the park contemplating the rush of emotions after what had just happened, I looked up and saw three great egrets spiraling up a wind draft to gain altitude. It was windy and it didn't look easy.
Pause... Thank you, universe, for the much needed inspiration.
What do I feel when he's banned from the yoga studio? Justified, defiant, guilty, empathy, fear for the next unsuspecting yoga student...
In spite of all of the possibilities, I wish him to be truly well and happy because if he's truly well and happy he's not jacking off in front of people anymore.
That's a very enlightened way of contextualizing a flasher.
I was in a partner yoga class with a stranger as my partner. During a face to face cross legged position, I noticed that his boner was seeping semen through his lycra shorts.
No joke. No mistaking the occurrence.
My body gave me an immediate signal to exit stage left with an intense leg cramp. Note to self: pamper this temple in gratitude.
Apparently, someone reported it after class because they had seen it and was concerned for me. How kind of her. Validation.
I too reported it, but later, after a walk in the park and a freak out session in the privacy of my own home.
Why did I not want to embarrass the hell out of the perv during class? Would that not have been lady like? Did I really not want to disturb the rest of class? Would that have secured the wrath of a potentially violent perv? I played it safe or smart? Somehow, I doubt that a yoga block to the face would have left much of an impression on him.
Nevertheless, I don't regret my classy composure in contrast to his "relax, it's tantric, it's supposed to be pleasurable" response to the unmistakable "ew!" in my expression.
How was I supposed to react? Like a good girl - get upset but not too upset? Like a good victim - feel ashamed, ask 'why me?' and get angry as hell? Like a good Buddhist - oh, it's my karma, oh well?
How about all of the above because all of the above are all me and all are valid, equally. Call it equanimity of emotional response. Just like he is perv, a sad misled soul, a loser, a tantric practitioner, a future Buddha, my mother/enemy/lover in a past and future life. He is all of those things and I can feel all of those things. It is my potential to experience all possibilities, so I feel all possibilities.
It's my party, I can cry if I want to.
As I stood in the park contemplating the rush of emotions after what had just happened, I looked up and saw three great egrets spiraling up a wind draft to gain altitude. It was windy and it didn't look easy.
Pause... Thank you, universe, for the much needed inspiration.
What do I feel when he's banned from the yoga studio? Justified, defiant, guilty, empathy, fear for the next unsuspecting yoga student...
In spite of all of the possibilities, I wish him to be truly well and happy because if he's truly well and happy he's not jacking off in front of people anymore.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Dharma Dreams: The Middle World
The dream:
I woke up in a hotel room as someone ran in yelling, "We have to get out now! Armed men are taking over the hotel! They are killing and torturing people!"
I could hear them scream. This must be what it’s like to be in hell.
A group of us made a run for it down the hall. We found a fire escape and then traversed down a steep rocky cliff to the narrow beach.
I felt terrible leaving all those people behind.
We walked for several hours along the narrow shoreline.
I worried that the armed men had seen us escape and would follow us.
We came across a rope ladder in the cliff side. Figuring we were far enough away, we should find out where this leads and try to send help back to the people held hostage in the hotel.
We helped each other up the flimsy rope ladder, slowly, steadily, and anxiously.
At the top, we saw a vast courtyard and a white temple in the distance. It looked inviting.
As we approached, there was a helicopter at the entrance to the temple grounds. The pilot was motionless and emotionless, like a mannequin. He said we could enter if we wanted, but that once we did, we couldn’t leave. I asked him about helping the others left behind in the hotel. He said, “They are learning to bleed.”
The temple was busy with people walking around, chatting, smiling and eating ice cream. Everyone looked extremely happy, perhaps too happy. This must be what it’s like to be in heaven.
“Would you like some ice cream?”
Something didn’t sit right with me. If heaven and hell are two extremes in duality, then how is either the correct place to be?
I knew we shouldn’t stay there. It was tempting but I knew if we stayed too long, we would be stuck there. We had to find the way back to the middle world, where it was not like hell and not like heaven.
We started looking for an invisible door back to our middle world where we belonged. I don’t know how we knew what to look for but I knew we would know it when we saw it.
We had to hurry. There wasn’t much time.
Then I woke up.
I woke up in a hotel room as someone ran in yelling, "We have to get out now! Armed men are taking over the hotel! They are killing and torturing people!"
I could hear them scream. This must be what it’s like to be in hell.
A group of us made a run for it down the hall. We found a fire escape and then traversed down a steep rocky cliff to the narrow beach.
I felt terrible leaving all those people behind.
We walked for several hours along the narrow shoreline.
I worried that the armed men had seen us escape and would follow us.
We came across a rope ladder in the cliff side. Figuring we were far enough away, we should find out where this leads and try to send help back to the people held hostage in the hotel.
We helped each other up the flimsy rope ladder, slowly, steadily, and anxiously.
At the top, we saw a vast courtyard and a white temple in the distance. It looked inviting.
As we approached, there was a helicopter at the entrance to the temple grounds. The pilot was motionless and emotionless, like a mannequin. He said we could enter if we wanted, but that once we did, we couldn’t leave. I asked him about helping the others left behind in the hotel. He said, “They are learning to bleed.”
The temple was busy with people walking around, chatting, smiling and eating ice cream. Everyone looked extremely happy, perhaps too happy. This must be what it’s like to be in heaven.
“Would you like some ice cream?”
Something didn’t sit right with me. If heaven and hell are two extremes in duality, then how is either the correct place to be?
I knew we shouldn’t stay there. It was tempting but I knew if we stayed too long, we would be stuck there. We had to find the way back to the middle world, where it was not like hell and not like heaven.
We started looking for an invisible door back to our middle world where we belonged. I don’t know how we knew what to look for but I knew we would know it when we saw it.
We had to hurry. There wasn’t much time.
Then I woke up.
Dharma Dreams: Agnostic Ascension
The dream:
I had just drowned with many other people in a large house. We began floating up. Water still filled the room but I couldn’t feel it anymore. I was aware of my state and so were the others but I strangely lacked a reaction to my predicament. It just seemed as a matter of fact.
I could see a young boy floating out of the window and his legs were broken and twisted. I figured that must have happened when he died and I hoped that he hadn’t felt much pain, but it didn’t much matter now.
I was curious about something so I asked the person next to me. “Why is it that when we die, we always float up?” She replied, “Because we are dead. That is what we do, we float up.”
Then I woke up.
I had just drowned with many other people in a large house. We began floating up. Water still filled the room but I couldn’t feel it anymore. I was aware of my state and so were the others but I strangely lacked a reaction to my predicament. It just seemed as a matter of fact.
I could see a young boy floating out of the window and his legs were broken and twisted. I figured that must have happened when he died and I hoped that he hadn’t felt much pain, but it didn’t much matter now.
I was curious about something so I asked the person next to me. “Why is it that when we die, we always float up?” She replied, “Because we are dead. That is what we do, we float up.”
Then I woke up.
Dharma Dreams: Getting the Hell Out of Hell
The dream:
I felt excruciating pain then I was dead.
I was in a large flooded room with extremely high ceilings like the lobby of a fancy of modern bank building. People were lined up filing through a doorway into hell. Of course, everyone looked miserable and the mood was a bit bleak, much like standing in line for a bank teller.
As I approached the door, a man waiting at the door told me I didn’t have to be here. He said I could leave anytime I wanted. I asked him how. He pointed at the large doors on the other side of the room where we had just entered. He said I could just go through them. I felt slow and sluggish as I turned toward them. They closed. I felt discouraged and doomed.
“It’s too late,” I said.
“No, it’s not,” he replied.
“The doors have closed.”
“Just push them open.”
I wanted to believe him, but was it that easy? Wasn't my fate sealed? Was it a trick? Could I really leave? Should I really leave? Didn't I have an obligation to follow the others?
Then I woke up.
I felt excruciating pain then I was dead.
I was in a large flooded room with extremely high ceilings like the lobby of a fancy of modern bank building. People were lined up filing through a doorway into hell. Of course, everyone looked miserable and the mood was a bit bleak, much like standing in line for a bank teller.
As I approached the door, a man waiting at the door told me I didn’t have to be here. He said I could leave anytime I wanted. I asked him how. He pointed at the large doors on the other side of the room where we had just entered. He said I could just go through them. I felt slow and sluggish as I turned toward them. They closed. I felt discouraged and doomed.
“It’s too late,” I said.
“No, it’s not,” he replied.
“The doors have closed.”
“Just push them open.”
I wanted to believe him, but was it that easy? Wasn't my fate sealed? Was it a trick? Could I really leave? Should I really leave? Didn't I have an obligation to follow the others?
Then I woke up.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Living the Dharma in NYC (6am)
My upstairs neighbor is so kind to wake me up every morning at 6am. I normally get up at 7 or 7:30 but 6am is a good time to practice compassion and not yell obscenities as loud as I can. 6am gives me an extra hour of meditation time and I need it to transform my resentment into gratitude that I don't have to get up at 6am like my poor neighbor.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Living the Dharma in NYC (slow walkers)
It is not good karma to curse the slow walkers under my breath. I should be grateful for their kind teaching on patience. I am not more important than they are.
Perhaps they have pain when they walk. Perhaps they have nowhere to go. Perhaps they know it annoys me to death that they are in my way and take great pleasure in showing me what a hurrying bitch I am.
Repeat as needed:
It is not good karma to curse the slow walkers under my breath. I should be grateful for their kind teaching on patience. I am not more important than they are.
Perhaps they have pain when they walk. Perhaps they have nowhere to go. Perhaps they know it annoys me to death that they are in my way and take great pleasure in showing me what a hurrying bitch I am.
Repeat as needed:
It is not good karma to curse the slow walkers under my breath. I should be grateful for their kind teaching on patience. I am not more important than they are.
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