Smiling

Some people are blessed with a natural perkiness. They smile easily and have a cheerful tone in their natural speech. I'm not one of them. I have a natural scowl. When I'm concentrating or thinking about neutral topics, I look angry. Countless times have people entered my office asking what was wrong. Nothing, I reply. I simply never felt the obligation to provide perky body language. Why did people assume the worst? Why couldn't they just accept my serious disposition. I wasn't hurting anyone. It's just me.

Oh, but I'm a woman. If I were a man, then my natural scowl would be interpreted as serious and intellectual, not as an ice queen. The other problem was that I lived in Los Angeles. There is an unwritten rule of social conduct in Sunny So Cal that you must have a sunny disposition at all times. SMILE!!!

I resented these expectations and whenever I heard someone tell me to smile, my natural scowl instantly became determined and deeper. I longed to be free to be me.

Then I moved to New York City. Ahhhh. Now, here was a place where no one would dare tell me to smile. In fact, smiling is seen as either chemically induced or the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. I was home!

Sure enough, no one did tell me to smile. I truly appreciated the license to not smile. I was blissfully smiling under my god-given scowl! Well, maybe smirking.

;-)

But then, I began learning in my Dharma studies that a joyful practice is essential. WTF? This is a serious problem. It goes against my natural disposition, one that I have nurtured and accepted and found a place for in this world! Now I have to move back to Sunny So Cal in my meditation practice?! Noooooooooo!

I began resenting the instruction that if I'm practicing correctly I'll be more joyful no matter what. I began resenting what I perceived to be pressure within the Sangha to act like an enlightened being all the time no matter what. Yes, I know that my ego is doing the resenting, but the thought of me becoming a Blisshead was beyond revolting.

Now wait a minute, wait just a minute. Haven't I read about quite a few eccentric Mahasiddhas who displayed less than Blisshead dispositions? In fact, I've read of some violent, drunken, "rude" ones and others who engaged in unusual social behavior for their time? Oh yeah, they were men, so they are given license to be genius eccentrics. I may be a terrible two year old in my spiritual evolution, but I know that that my personality is the result of karma and it's manifest for me to work WITH not against or erase, just as a physical 'limitation' may present a challenge.

So, when I began embracing my personality as my unique way of interacting with other beings in this incarnation with the wish to practice Dharma, I began to let go of the ego pride and relax INTO my seriousness, not grasp at getting rid of it, hiding it or justifying it.

Guess what. I smile more easily now. Just an unwanted side effect of Dharma practice. Not sure if I'm smiling more but who's counting.

I'm a blissed bitch.

;-)